7 emotions of a young carer

The experience of being a carer can run from helping someone with mild physical limitations to do a few activities or tasks, all the way to providing round-the-clock care for a person with a high level of need, whether that be physical, mental or both.

Whatever the need, the challenge is always compounded when the carer is young.

Mike’s experience of being a young adult carer began when he was 22, after a close family member developed a severe mental health condition.

Here he talks through some of the most common emotions of being a young carer.

Confusion

This originates in one of two ways, depending on how the caring role begins.

For those who have been carers from a very young age, the situation may initially seem normal because it’s all they’ve ever known. But as they get older and discover that their friends don’t carry out the same caring role, they may find it confusing. Why doesn't their mum/dad need them to help out like mine does? For many very young carers, real childhood is something they never experience.

In cases where the family member suddenly falls ill and the young carer is much older, the situation is a lot more jarring and disorientating. With caring, you learn on-the-job, and the upheaval and reversal of roles can be difficult to adjust to.

Loss

When a loved one develops a serious mental health condition, it can often feel like a death has occurred. There is not enough time and too much risk for you to leave the person you care for on their own, so your social life evaporates.

If you live with other family members who help to care, this is alleviated somewhat, but for those who live on their own it can be an excruciatingly solitary experience. The sense of loss can be profound.

For a very young carer, the loss may not be felt until many years later, when they realise that in many ways, they weren’t able to have a ‘normal’ childhood. While they may have gained skills such as independence, compassion and self-reliance, in doing so they missed out on being a child.

Anger

While I loved the person I cared for, I often felt bitter and angry about the situation I was in. How could they do this to me, to my life? It wasn't their fault, how could it be? But caring is so full of strong and contradictory emotions, that it’s no wonder I was sometimes angry and frustrated.

There was also a sense of guilt and self-recrimination that maybe my family had somehow been the cause of this illness, that we could have done something to stop it. That's not rational, but anger rarely is.

Fear

Fear that the person you care for will never get better. Fear that they’ll hurt themselves. Fear that you and your family will never get your lives back. Fear that you will be trapped in this demanding situation forever. These are all thoughts I had, which became more prevalent as the years went past.

Fear can go both ways. Parents who are cared for by their young children may often be afraid to seek help from local authorities as they fear their child will be taken away.

Exhaustion

One of the worst aspects of being a long-term carer is exhaustion. When caring for someone with a mental health problem, you sleep very lightly, and the slightest noise can have you wide awake in seconds. Are they wandering around again? Are they trying to get outside? What will I find if I go downstairs at 3 o'clock in the morning?

And during the day, if they keep pestering you over and over, telling you their fixations and delusions, it can seem endless when you try to explain everything is going to be alright.

When young carers are trying to combine the efforts of school, exams, university and  part-time jobs, all with the focus of trying to better themselves and improve their prospects, it can often feel like there’s not enough time to do everything.

Loneliness 

The person you love seems little more than a ghost most days. You often don't get time to go to school, college or university. You don't really see your friends any more. You ask yourself "why me?" But there’s no real answer. It’s just one of those things, with no-one to blame.

The sense of having no route of escape, no way out of the situation, makes the world seem like a grey and lonely place.

That is why it is absolutely vital that carers' groups and social support for carers, especially young ones, are given the chance to exist. Seeing that you are not alone and that a happy, productive life is possible is essential for the wellbeing of carers. This is especially true for young carers, who may be going through a difficult enough time in adolescence as it is, when loneliness is often commonplace already.

Hope

And yet, despite all this, something keeps most carers going; love for the person they care for, determination and grit, or the presence of a support network which can facilitate and reinforce these qualities and emotions. Life can continue, and continue well, provided that the young carer is given what they need to make the most of a very challenging situation.

I was lucky that I had the Rosewood Involvement Centre, which rescued me from my feelings of gloom and isolation and reminded me that I am never alone as long as I am with people who have known the struggle of caring, and can offer support in good times and bad.

It’s worth remembering that people can recover. My loved one has made a full recovery since September 2014, and there has been no relapse since. I'm cautious, but it feels as though life may have gone back to normal forever.

Still, I take it one day at a time, and am mindful that so many others may never recover. Some young people may be carers for decades to come, or even their entire lives.

It is vital that we never forget what carers do for our society, especially young carers, who need extra support to help them achieve their full potential in life.

For information about caring, or if you’re a carer looking for advice or support, visit Carers Trust.