The Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS)
Self-Harm Team run a support group for parents of children who self harm. One of the mums from the group, Julia, shares her story.
Sometimes it feels like Caroline and Marie’s support group might have saved my life. That might be an exaggeration but it’s certainly gone a long way towards supporting my mental health…and I can only adequately support my children when I’m doing okay myself.
We – that is the mums, dads and other carers of young people who self harm – meet for a couple of hours every other month, supported by Caroline and Marie. It doesn’t sound like a lot, but every little helps!
My youngest daughter self-harms. It didn’t matter how often anyone told me it wasn’t my fault, I was a good mum, or that I couldn’t be expected to fix everything. It certainly felt like I must have done something wrong.
Then I met all these other mums and dads with children who self harm, and guess what? These mums and dads were clever, chatty, funny…they seemed like really good parents. I dared to think that if it didn’t occur to me that it was their fault that their children were ill, maybe it wasn’t my fault either. It’s easy for people to say that to a parent in my position, but it can be hard to hear or believe it.
Some of the parents at the group have children who are very much more poorly than mine. This helps me to keep some perspective. Some have children who self harm to a much lesser degree than mine, and the fact that they are just as worried as I am helps me to realise that it is normal to find looking after a child who self harms so difficult.
Although I have occasional meetings with my daughter’s carers, most of her therapy takes place while I sit in a waiting room. If I’m worried about a specific issue I can contact someone of course, but it isn’t really very clear who or how, and often I just want to double check I’m doing things ‘right’ or run something (an idea, or a problem maybe) by someone. At the group we share our ideas, or worries, what works and what doesn’t work, our own coping strategies, and Caroline and Marie chip in to support us with their professional advice.
They say you never know what goes on behind closed doors, and it’s true. Certainly most of the world has no idea what goes on in the privacy of my home. This means that I’m constantly putting on a brave face and pretending that everything in the garden is rosy. Partly this is self-preservation – I don’t need their judgement and neither do my daughters. I know people would be sympathetic, but I also know they wouldn’t – couldn’t – understand.
Even with the few people who do know some of it, I tend to make light of the situation. I’m acutely aware that this is no-one else’s burden to shoulder. And while I am lucky to have a very supportive husband, I am also aware that we are both trying to protect each other – neither of us wants to add to the other’s burden.
But at the group we are all in the same boat. We can talk honestly without fear of judgement or a shocked reaction. It’s the twelve hours a year when I get to feel like a ‘normal’ person.
I am completely immersed in a world of self harm - also anxiety and body weight. Yet ‘real life’ still continues. The family still wants feeding, ferrying around and providing with clean clothes, and I still have to work. It can feel like I never ‘escape’ from it.
I never get to just be ‘me’ any more. At the group, we have coffee and cake, and I have come to regard these six evenings a year as my own ‘down time’! In the course of an evening I always laugh, and sometimes I cry…but whatever I feel, I feel something of my own, which gives me the strength to carry on.
If you would like any further information about the group
please contact Marie Armstrong, Nurse Consultant – Self-harm or Caroline Prance,
Clinical Nurse Specialist CAMHS Crisis Team:
Tel: 0115 8440560
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